Last month, I shared a very powerful process for unravelling our patterns. These are the deepest, darkest beliefs we formed about ourselves in our childhood, which drive our behaviour within the matrix.
But they do more than that. Our patterns work like a magnet to attract into our field everything that resonates with that pattern. That’s why someone who had abuse in their childhood will often attract similar abusive situations and relationships as an adult – whether that’s a boss who bullies them, or a partner who uses violence to control the relationship. This repeating of patterns validates every belief we formed about ourselves.
It also reinforces those early decisions we made about how to survive in the world that we see. These are our survival mechanisms – the behaviour patterns we chose for ourselves, in order to keep our heart and body safe.
A couple of weeks ago, I had a very powerful experience which I want to share with you. It’s a wonderful example of how understanding our patterns can be applied to day to day life.
After my mother’s death last year, I’ve been unwinding her affairs with the help of my brother, sister and a solicitor. But now that we’re getting close to the end, I’ve become more and more frustrated with the solicitor.
Working with his firm has been hard. It’s not flowed. I’ve found mistake after mistake in their work, and omissions that shouldn’t have been overlooked. It’s left me feeling unsafe in their hands, feeling like I need to be the watch dog to pick up on all the things they don’t see. I’ve even paid my own solicitor to help me check their work.
I love surrounding myself with amazing advisors.
I choose people who work with me, who always have my best interests at heart, who share similar values to me, and who are a pleasure to work with.
When I work with these types of people, everything flows and it feels great.
But with this solicitor, it’s been the polar opposite of flow….and one day, two months ago, I reached my line in the sand. I simply didn’t wish to work with them anymore. I wanted to change solicitors.
However, I wasn’t the only person in control of that decision. Without a unanimous decision with my brother and sister (which we didn’t have), a new solicitor wasn’t an option.
So instead, we called a meeting with our solicitor.
In this meeting, I was exceptionally blunt as I ran through all of the concerns I had about their work, and the things I’d noticed which they hadn’t picked up on. I chose to be clear and direct, rather than softening the message with niceties. I wanted them to see how much they were falling short in the delivery of their services to us.
Then something happened. We were at the tail end of our meeting, and the lead solicitor looked at us, and said, “I’m sure you will all agree that we’ve done a very good job on the handling of your mother’s estate.”
I was so stunned, I didn’t even reply.
Yet as I left that meeting and drove 2 hours home, I was fuming. I was utterly triggered by his reply, because it felt like he’d not heard a word of what I’d said to him.
As I processed my outrage, I understood that he was holding tight to his own belief that his firm does great work. He’d put himself in this bubble of illusion, and nothing was going to puncture it, least of all my comments.
That’s why my words had landed on deaf ears….or rather, he’d taken note of all the things I’d picked up on, but didn’t allow them to sway his perception of the quality of his work.
I was still stewing on this melting pot of emotions when I got home, so I did a nice distraction technique and watched some television. It didn’t work. At the end of my favourite program, I was still furious.
That’s when I asked Spirit for help.
The answer came straight away. Spirit said, “Walk around the house shouting No, No, No!” So I did!
For the next 10 minutes, I walked around the house, and loudly shouted the word “No!”. Mostly I thought of the solicitor as I was shouting this. I was declaring “No” to him not hearing me, but I was also shouting “No” to Mum dying, “No” to my brother’s bullying, and “No” to anything else in my life that was causing me upset.
And then came the tiny miracle that shifted everything. A memory from childhood arose, and it was the mysterious key that unravelled this pattern for me.
When I was 12 years of age, I went for a walk with my neighbour and some of the other kids from the neighbourhood. This wasn’t unusual – in fact, it was something I really looked forward to. My neighbour would have been in his 50’s, and there had been many a time that he’d minded us when my parents weren’t available. I trusted him, and he was my friend.
This particular day, we walked to a local reservoir and he and I sat in a large concrete pipe where the other children couldn’t see us. A Graffiti artist had painted the word “F#@k” on the water reservoir, which was within our view. My neighbour pointed to the word, and asked me if I knew what it meant. I did, but I wasn’t going to tell him that.
The next thing I knew, his hand was between my legs.
That’s as far as it went on that particular day. But that was enough. To this day I still vividly remember that moment, including the exact colour and texture of the Hawaiian shorts I was wearing. I remember the angle I was sitting on, the words on the reservoir, and how incredibly uncomfortable I felt.
After that, I wanted to avoid my neighbour….but that wasn’t always possible. More things happened, until I built up the courage to tell my parents.
My father was a very strict Dutch man, raised a catholic before he switched to being a protestant.
Any time a sex scene came on television, Dad would turn off the TV and give me a lecture on how “disgusting” sex was. Knowing his stance around sex and sexuality, I was quite afraid of what he’d do to our neighbour when he found out what he’d been doing to me. I’d always had this absolute knowing that Dad would kill anyone who tried to hurt me. I expected his rage towards our neighbour to be quite lethal.
But I couldn’t have been more wrong.
When I told my parents what had been happening, their response stunned me. Instead of striding over to our neighbour’s house and ripping him to shreds, my parents focussed their entire concern on our neighbour’s wife. How would this news affect her? Her husband (our neighbour) had recently been caught having an affair with a younger woman. My parents were so worried that the news of his fondling me would be the straw that broke the camel’s back in his relationship with his wife, that all of their attention was focussed on how to protect her.
My parents decided to tell the neighbour’s son (who was a doctor), so he could keep an eye on his own children when they were around our neighbour. Nothing more was done, and I got the distinct feeling that the neighbour’s son didn’t believe me.
So the molestation was buried and forgotten….except by me.
Just as the solicitor had done, my parents put themselves into a bubble of their own illusion, so that they didn’t have to let the reality of what I’d shared puncture that bubble.
As soon as I connected with this childhood memory and realised the parallel Universes between my experience this day with the solicitor, and my experience with my father when I told him of the sexual abuse, I realised that my real anger and upset was towards my father. The solicitor had just stepped onto that trigger for me with how he’d handled my feedback.
That’s why I was so furious towards the solicitor (far more furious and triggered than the circumstance required). It’s because it carried me to another time in my life when that same thing had happened…and this other time there had been a lot more “charge” on the events, hence the incredible “charge” on my emotions today.
Like a toppling of dominoes, once I saw the parallel trigger and realised that my true upset was with my father, I also then saw the decisions I made in that moment as a child.
What does the world look like? It is an unsafe world, where I can’t trust people (even the people I like), and I can be betrayed.
Who am I? I’m unsafe, I’m vulnerable, I’m all alone, no one hears me (therefore my needs must be unimportant).
How do I operate? I can’t trust men to “hold” me and protect me, therefore I need to be on high alert all the time, making sure I’m so competent in so many things that I don’t need other people. My sexuality can be used to attract and control men, but it’s also dangerous and can get me into trouble, so I mustn’t truly “let go”.
After 10 minutes of shouting “No!”, the subsequent falling of the dominoes and all of these realisations happened in a matter of minutes.
I cried so deeply...
Suddenly I felt how hard it’s been to always be the one in control, to never feel I can surrender into the arms of someone and totally know that I’m safe.
I looked at my life now, having been single for the better part of 7 years, and I realised that I’ve been walking around with a “Do Not Disturb” sign on my forehead when it comes to men.
Yes, I am the creator of my own Universe, and the fact that I’m single is because of this exact pattern, and the lack of safety I’ve felt around men.
So I decided to change that.
I looked for a choice that reflects what I truly want, and I came to this wording: “I choose to see and be seen by men.” This is important wording, because just as much as I’ve been invisible to men, so have they been invisible to me.
I’ve been walking through my life with a relatively low opinion of the opposite sex, and hardly any male friends. The challenges I’ve had with my brother since Mum died have only added fuel to that particular burning pile.
Yet here’s the powerful thing.
After making that choice, and really making it deep within my heart, things began to shift. It was like a dark set of glasses was removed from my eyes, and I started to see men differently. I began to realise that I do indeed have some really awesome men around me.
My God – how could I have missed seeing that? My pattern made me completely blind to this!
But with that choice the ripple started, and I’ve begun attracting men into my life.
I met a lovely man in a local café where I was grabbing some takeaway food. We struck up such a great conversation that I ended up eating my takeaway food while we talked. We’ve caught up each week since, for the most deliciously deep conversations and connection.
Then I reconnected with a dear male friend from years ago who I thought had died. Well, he hadn’t, and last week I spent an enriching day hanging out with him, with many more to come.
The list goes on….as my pattern unravelled, I’ve created a much-needed glitch in the matrix, so that what I’m attracting has completely shifted. Now, instead of feeling an unconscious aversion to men, I truly look forward to getting to know many more men on a deep and personal level, who have my back and who love me for the beautiful woman that I am.